Okay, so I'm fickle.

I thought I had already chosen the bedding for our son's nursery. And I actually purchased it. Well...I think I found something I like even better:



The more I thought about it, the more I realized that the original bedding I had chosen was from, like, another lifetime ago. I had different taste back then. This new choice better suits my current frame of mind. And it doesn't have any pink in it. But let's face it, the baby probably won't care either way; however, his mommy will be happier in the long run with this nursery collection.

Even though I don't have any home-decor savvy, I am hopeful that this nursery will come together quite nicely. Now, I just need to start on it.

Alive and kicking.

For the first time, Joey felt our boy kicking last night. I've rarely seen him so overjoyed and overtaken with emotion.

"HEY, little buddy!" he exclaimed and kissed my belly where he felt his son's kicks.

It's these moments...They reassure me that things are going to be good. No--better than good.

We are a family.

Departures.

We said goodbye to my aunt tonight in a small memorial service.

I am exhausted, mentally and physically.

It has been an extraordinarily bad week.

I am ready to begin anew, with a fresh week and a chance to get back to enjoying my pregnancy and daydreaming about my son.

Photo: week 19

I seem to have "popped" between the time the last photo was taken and now. I'd say this bump is pretty much all baby--90% or more. I'm feeling fabulous, and Joey loves the way I'm looking these days.

Week 19: Thursday, May 20, 2010

Weight: 134 pounds
Symptoms: fatigue, food aversions
Mood: anxious, preoccupied

He's kicking right now, as I type.

I am really hoping I can get pictures posted here soon. We've been good about taking the pictures. We have not been good, however, with uploading them.

This week has not been the best, clearly. With my aunt's passing on Monday and the overload of work in my office, I'm weary, to say the least. At least my part-time instructor gig at the university is over for the summer. Having only one job feels...strange.

He's still kick, kick, kicking away.

Joey took me to McDonald's on the way home from work (we're sharing a car right now) so I could get an ice cream cone. He ordered me a large one. Ice cream headache aside, it was satisfying. I think I deserved it after a long day at work. And I think my dear son likes it too, judging from his activity in the past hour.

I relish these moments, the ones in which I can feel him moving around. I can't quite wrap my brain around the fact that I have a little person inside me, a person who will be in my arms in 5 months. It's surreal. When he kicks, it makes it more real. The ways in which he has already affected me...

A time to mourn.

My aunt Sharon, my mother's sister, passed away today. She was 62 years old.

She had been in the intensive care unit at Baylor since Friday. She had had myriad health problems over the years: Hodgkin lymphoma, two bouts of breast cancer, osteoporosis...I suppose all of these years of heavy medication and being semi-bedridden finally got the best of her. Joey and I visited her on Saturday. She was in and out of consciousness, but when she was awake, she recognized me and was alert.

Not knowing how to deal with the severely infirm or dying, I chose to make small talk, thinking I could (falsely) convey to her that I wasn't scared or overly concerned about her condition. I asked her if she knew I was having a boy. She nodded and tried to speak, but the breathing tube from the life-support machine made that impossible. Her eyes told me she was pleased, though.

I am thankful for that last bit of communication with her, especially because it was the last such communication from her at all.

Adding to the tragedy here is the fact that her only child, my cousin Scott, is in jail--which is where he has spent most of his adult life. Yes, he is that proverbial Black Sheep of our family. Anyway, apparently one cannot call an inmate in the jail or even visit the inmate unless he or she is on the inmate's approved guest list. With my limited dealings in correctional-facility etiquette, I figured that the only way to let Scott know about his mother was to write him a letter. So that's what I did; the letter went out on Saturday. I haven't heard from him yet; I am dreading telling him the some worst news a person could ever hear.

Sharon had a difficult life, and it saddens me all the more that it had to end this way. At least she is no longer suffering.

Week 18: Sunday, May 16, 2010

Symptoms: fatigue (but it's less bothersome now), food aversions
Mood: tired, stressed
Listening to: These Hopeful Machines by BT

Well, I managed to finish grading papers and final exams this weekend, and I've submitted almost all of my students' final grades for the semester. That means I'm now back to having only one job! However, this one job, which is my full-time editing job, is about to require some extensive overtime from me, so it will be like I'm still working two jobs. Can't a pregnant lady get some rest?!

Physically, I look about the same as I have for the past 2 or 3 weeks. The baby bump doesn't seem to have "popped out" any more; I'm just waiting patiently for the next growth spurt. In the meantime, I'm enjoying my voracious appetite and all that it entails, even the odd--and often disgusting--cravings:

I should be ashamed of myself. But I'm not.