Happy Halloween!

Andrew and Jennifer gave us this outfit when they came to visit us in the hospital just before Torin arrived. Torin hasn't yet warmed up to the camera.

I really wanted this Spider-man costume to work out, but it was way too large for Torin. I think he wore this costume for less than 10 minutes, and he cried for about 7 of those minutes.

Now that he has passed out, it's time for the trick-or-treaters to come by and wake him up.

Working for the weekend.

As we reach the end of the first week of me being by myself with Torin, I have to remind myself to remain positive. These past few days have been...trying. As Joey says, Torin really knows how to teach patience.

The mornings are generally okay, as Torin sleeps during that time. It's the afternoons that stress me out. I spend an average of three hours troubleshooting Torin's crying spells, and I am rarely successful in soothing and calming him. And with no support system in place, I can't take a break or shut my eyes for a few minutes. I can only hope that things will get better as he ages.

There's always next week, and with it, a chance for things to get better.

All by myself.

Today was my first day alone with Torin; Joey went back to work. I was dreading this day. It turned out to be half good and half...not so good.

We made our first outing alone, to my doctor's office, and it was a success. I'm a rookie at using our fancy stroller, but no matter what I rammed into, Torin stayed sound asleep.

It was when we got home that the meltdown commenced. Torin cried; I fed him. He cried; I fed him some more. He cried; I changed his diaper. He cried; I walked him around outside. He cried; I rocked him in the chair in the nursery. It wasn't until Joey got home that Torin finally settled down and fell asleep. I think we'll both be sleeping well tonight.

I suppose this day could have been worse, but I'm hoping for better results tomorrow.

Really?

Exactly how hormonal am I? I don't even like baseball, but I cried last night when the Texas Rangers won the ALCS.

All in the name of Love.

Tonight, two of my favorite rock bands from the 1990s, Bush and Filter, will be playing a concert not too far from my house. But because of my recent change in priorities, I can't go. Am I sad about this? I'm not going to lie; yes, I am. But I have to remember why I can't go.

This change in priorities is probably the most critical adjustment I've ever had to make in my life. It's more challenging than buying a house, moving, getting married or divorced, going to school, or anything else I can think of. Yes, I am a parent now, and I need to remember to act and think like one.

To make my transition into parenthood even more difficult, Torin seems to have his days and nights reversed. He was awake from midnight till about 7:30 this morning. Joey stayed up with him until 5:00, and I took over from there. I don't know how to rectify this situation, but I need to come up with a remedy--fast. I am having a hard time handling the incessant fussing and crying; my feelings oscillate between intense frustration and crippling insecurity.

Keep your eye on the prize, keep your eye on the prize, keep your eye on the prize...

All aboard S.S. Parenthood!

Torin had his first restaurant experience yesterday: We went to lunch at Chuy's. He did very well--he slept the whole time, even through all of the loud music and hustle and bustle of the crowd. Joey and I are slowly getting our sea legs and gaining the confidence to venture out into the world with our little one.

We seem to have fallen into somewhat of a routine: We both take care of Torin during the day, and when I go to bed around 11 pm, Joey takes over. Since Joey routinely stays up until 3 or 4 am, this doesn't disrupt his schedule to much. From 4 am on, I'm on call and Joey can sleep in until 11 am or noon. True, Joey seems to be getting more sleep than I am, but when he goes back to work, that will change.

A week ago, I didn't know how or if I could ever handle being a mommy. And truth be told, I am still struggling quite a bit. But today I feel worlds better about my abilities and about not losing my entire identity to motherhood. I'm just taking it one day at a time and trying not to let the vast, open sea in front of me intimidate me too much.

Take two.

Okay, let's try this again.

I was released from the hospital yesterday. Now that I am home and have had my first real shower since Torin was born, I feel much better. I have been wondering if I am coming down with postpartum depression, given how overwhelmed and incompetent I've been feeling, but today I feel a bit more empowered and independent. Daddy is getting some much-needed rest while I relearn my diaper-changing and feeding skills.

Oh, and I am already wearing my pre-pregnancy clothing again. Although my abdomen is still flabby, I don't have any stretch marks. I don't know whether to brag about this or be embarrassed about it. I am already back down to 128 pounds, which is a few pounds lighter than I was when I first became pregnant. I don't know whether to chalk it up to genetics or major medical issues. Either way, I certainly wasn't expecting it to happen so soon. Now, if only I could get my belly button to go back in and get the linea nigra to fade away...

I'm rocking my Lady Gaga shirt today, for the first time since I bought it. I'm holding my head up a bit higher today. I'm determined to overcome my anxieties and be the best mommy I can be today.